Behold the Stars

Before cancer, everything was about my career. Now my time with my kids is my time with them. And time is the greatest gift you can ever give — because once you give it, you can’t take it back.Robert Schimmel, cancer survivor, in the April 2008 Psychology Today

I knew a girl once who was a manic over-achiever. Her day was a productivity fest. Every second was about squeezing in more and more accomplishment. Date Night meant dinner and a movie followed by cleaning the kitchen, taking out the trash, moving the furniture, checking e-mail, and sanding the walls for that painting project. At 1:00 in the morning, she was still checking her to-do list. The dinner and the movie were just check marks.

It was stressful, but it was nothing compared to the phone. She took every call, at every hour, and carried on full-length conversations as if no one was in the room with her. She was also the first person I knew who used a headset. We would drive to the store or a show, and I’d be alone next to her while she talked on the phone. She’d be on the phone while we painted or ate at restaurants. What amazed me most was that she did the same thing with her son.

Her son was a blond-haired, blue-eyed little darling — who always seemed a bit edgy and insecure. How did he respond to this lifestyle? He would cry every time the phone rang. It was an absolutely Pavlovian example of stimulus and response. The funny thing was that she couldn’t figure out why he did it.

As you can imagine, that relationship didn’t last. I couldn’t take the pace or the constant angst of not getting enough done. Okay, to be honest, I couldn’t measure up.

This is an extreme example, I know. But I hope it gives you pause. Do you carry your kids around in the back seat like grocery bags whenever you run errands? Are they with you more like parts of your environment than companions? Think about how you feel when your waiter drops your check on the table and mumbles something about paying at the front while he walks by without stopping? Is that how you treat your family?

I don’t believe in “quality time.” Quality time is squeezing your loved ones in when it’s convenient to you. “How was school today? Mmmm. Really. And did you do you homework? Good. Well, gotta go…” Everyone who matters in your life wants and needs your full attention, and your attention doesn’t have to mean only supercharged activities. They need you to be bored with them just as much as they need you to take them to Disneyland. Heck, some of the best times I’ve had in my life were when I was hanging around doing nothing with my friends.

Stop thinking of your family as something to put on your calendar and bring them into your life. While you’re at it, reach into theirs.

Make a great day

Photo: fdecomite
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