Behold the Stars

One of the hardest things for me during the Dark Period was dealing with the need to communicate what I was going through. The pervasive pointlessness and emptiness infected every thought and drained all my personal energy. Worst of all, my thinking had become, I see now, bizarrely circular. My mind was spinning the same thoughts like a dog forever chasing its tail. You may have experienced this, too.

Your friends and family want to help you, but they don’t know how to reach you. You are traveling in a world they can’t understand, and it makes them uncomfortable. Because they can’t understand what you’re going through, they equate it with the closest thing they can: a bad day, or a blue period. They got through their bad days by bucking up and riding it out. It certainly didn’t involve unemployment, divorce, and other life wreckage. What’s the deal with you? I stopped counting the times I was condescendingly offered some platitude by an acquaintance after having opened up to them: “I have lived my life following Steven Covey’s idea that there is a space between stimulus and response.” Well, thanks for listening. My favorite? “Well, I’ve never been depressed.”

Okay. That’s a bit harsh, and the fact is that many people do listen and do care. I would dump my negativity on them, sucking the life out of them the way the J.K. Rowling’s Dementers were sucking the life out of me, and they would valiantly try to listen and understand. My experience, though, was that after I dumped my pain on them, I didn’t really feel better after all. Here I had gotten what I had wanted — someone to listen, someone to understand — and it didn’t help. In fact, most times I felt worse. I didn’t really communicate or come to terms with anything, I just spewed whatever storyline I was onto that day. No resolution. No peace. So much for communication.

What I didn’t understand was that every time I puked out all my pain, not only was I a drag to be around, but I disempowered myself by again immersing myself in the negative thinking that was tearing me apart. While I was justifying why all the bad stuff, all the hoplessness, was true, I was strenghtening its hold on me. What I needed was a more empowering way to tell my story.

A more empowering way can be found in Karen Salmansohn’s The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks, and Losses. This little, red rubber book — yes, like a rubber ball — has 75 useflul tips for bouncing back from…whatever. Tip #46 deals directly with our problem. Her suggestion? “Create an elevator pitch of your story to keep your spirits high.” (For those of you unfamiliar with an elevator pitch, it is a one- to two-minute summary — commonly used in networking — of who you are, what your product is, or what kind of job you’re looking for. )

Figure out what you want your 1- to 2-minute story to be. Try to use neutral or positive language so you don’t keep reliving your pain…. [Put] a positive ‘kicker’ at the end. For example, “Yes, I’ve been through a horrible time, but I’m handling it okay. How about you? Hae you ever been through anything like this?” Requesting empathy makes it less likely that your listener’s reponse will hurt or disappoint you.
If you feel you’re with someone supportive withl whom you want to share the experience, check in with your listener first, saying something like, “I must confess what I went through is a very emotional experience. If you have an hour, I’d live to share it with you.” That way you guard against the disappointment of having your tale curtailed.

Pretty good advice, I think. If you give a quick summary of your situation followed by an empowering ending, both you and your listener will walk away feeling okay about your situation. And you don’t have to save this one for depression. Use it any time you feel the need to whine.

Make a great day.