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Tip #34: Spiritual Cross-Training August 15, 2009

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Do you ever exercise? You know how it works. You make the trek to the gym to lift weights. You suffer for a couple of weeks until your body has gotten into the swing of it. You soon feel better, stronger, and you’re starting to see changes in your out-of-shape body. Two or three months down the road you have transformed your body.

But after a while, something starts to change. You don’t feel as strong. Where once you could add weight to your exercises each week, you now can’t seem to get any stronger.  Those bulging biceps that grew like weeds six weeks ago have stopped growing. You’ve hit a plateau, and your progress has come to a discouraging halt.  What happened?

The scientists know. It called adaptation. Your body had adapted to the exercise routine. That’s why you get fitter in the first place: your body adapts to the exercise. That’s the good part. The bad part is that after your body adapts, you don’t get the same response to the exercise. You can’t do the same things and expect the same results.

But what about our spiritual/emotional/happiness work? I noticed that my beloved Gratitude Journal began to have less impact as time wore on. For the first few months, the effects were astonishing, totally unlike anything I’d done before. But as time went on, I found it harder and harder to find the energy to come up with list items. In fact, it got to the point of being a chore. Little good it was doing for me at that point. Like the effects of exercise, the effects of my Gratitude Journal were stalling.

I just found an explanation in “The Mixed Success of Positive Psychology” from the August 7, 2009, issue of The Chronicle Review: A Weekly Magazine of Ideas, the supplement that comes in The Chronicle of Higher Education.  Sonja Lyubomirsky, a research psychologist at the University of California at Riverside, has found that “people who take time to count their blessings, write optimistic visions for themselves, or express thanks, report greater happiness.” Okay. We expected that. And she found that “subjects who performed any of a list of 10 acts of kindness three times a week for 10 weeks reported increases in happiness.” But what interest us here is that “another group that performed the same three acts every time actually ended up feeling worse.”

Of course, it makes sense. Our bodies adapt to exercise, our minds adapt to learning, wouldn’t our spirits adapt, as well?  And since they adapt, we’ll have to adapt our efforts, as well.  What do athletes do to counter the negative effects of adaptation? They use techniques like cross training and muscle confusion, methods that constantly confuse the body and force it into a state of continuous adaptation. In other words, they build a routine that is never routine.

Let’s do the same. Rather than taking an exercise like the Gratitude Journal and drawing from it until the well is dry, we can draw from different sources by regularly selecting from a number of exercises: meditation, exercise, volunteering, reverse gratitude journals, personal mission statements, and so on.  Doing that will allow us to stay fresh, and perhaps more importantly, allow all our sources of inspiration to recharge.  After all, variety is the spice of life.

Make a great day.

Tip #33: Stop Discounting the Positive August 9, 2009

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When I was younger, a friend and I played music in local clubs. It was nothing special, really, just two college guys playing acoustic music in places that would let anybody play. No matter how badly we had played, someone would come up and tell us how great we were. We got requests for our original songs, and girls would cry when the sad ones reminded them of their recent breakups. Often, as people were saying how much they liked a song, my inner voice was also talking: “Didn’t they see that you missed a note on the solo? And what about the flubbed word in the second verse?” My suspicion was that either they were lying to be kind or had tin ears. Couldn’t they see that we weren’t any good?

It’s true. We weren’t any good — compared to our heroes — but for two local guys, we were okay.  We took these “gigs” seriously. We practiced, worked up interesting harmonies and guitar work, and tried very hard to set a standard above what others were doing. But what ultimately mattered to me was one simple thing: practice was challenging and fun, but performing was Hell.

I have to admit that one of the reasons I stopped performing so many years ago was that during my performances I was totally focused on perfection and aware of every mistake. I thought that music, like math, had a right answer and a wrong answer. You practiced, got it down, and then played it perfectly in performance every time. So when I missed a note or forgot a lyric, it felt like failure. Disaster.

Four hours of playing each night. A room full of appreciative ears. A handful of compliments. A handful of tiny mistakes. Which do you think I took home with me?

Think about that for a minute. You’ve been there, and you’ve had friends who have been there. You know where I’m going with this. Is there a better way to make ourselves miserable than by discounting the positive in our lives and acts?

Look at your life. I suspect you’re doing some of that right now in some area or another. Work? Relationship? Hobbies? Cooking? Where are you doing something pretty well, but not giving yourself credit or not enjoying your success?  Think about it.

Make a great day.

Book Review: The Bounce Back Book by Karen Salmansohn October 29, 2008

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I recently wrote about the current growth positive psychology, the “scientific study of the strengths and virtues that enable individuals and communities to thrive,” and the resulting growth in self-help books that utilize its research results. These books are more inclined to offer specific, research-based prescriptions — “A well-known research study at Duke University showed that going for a brisk 30-minute walk three times a week is as effective as taking antidepressants to improve your mood.” — than traditional self help clichés — “Let a smile be your umbrella.” Specific steps rather than vague generalizations — That’s the new way. One of the best of this new breed of self-help books is The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks, and Losses by Karen Salmansohn.

The Bounce Back Book has 75 chapters, or “tips,” each devoted to one technique to help you…well, bounce back. Each numbered tip has a witty catch-phrase, for example,  “Tip #39: Turn negativity into nuggetivity,” or ” Tip #8: A Rolling Stones fan gathers less moss.”  Following that is a page or two explaining the tip and the research behind it.  Other than this numbering system, the book has no conceptual structure and the tips come in no particular order. It is really just a big list, but it works. My only complaint is that there is no table of contents or index to help find a particular tip once you’ve finished reading the book.

Salmansohn has filled The Bounce Back Book with useable ideas. Nothing in here requires you to stick to a large project (one that for most of us would be doomed to failure). Instead you can take your choice of 75 bite-sized tips that you can easily put into practice today.  Meaning and happiness are made up of a million small acts.  All you have to do is find the one that seems right for you right now.

The Bounce Back Book in covered in red rubber (like a ball – get it?) and has an inconsistent and whimsical style.  The fonts are in bright colors, and the book seems designed by someone from the women’s magazines (it doesn’t really feel like Salmansohn wrote this for men), but none of that gets in the way of its purpose, which is to give us the tips for getting through the hard times with our souls intact.

You know what? It’s pretty good. I would gladly recommend it to someone going through a divorce, job loss, breakup, or worse.  It is a good resource for someone who’s new to this information and doesn’t have time or inclination to search it out on his or her own. Pick it up if you get the chance.

Make a great day.

Book Review: The Little Gold Book of Yes! by Jeffrey Gitomer October 21, 2008

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Although he benefits of a positive mindset seem self-evident, the process by which one develops a positive mindset isn’t. For years the self-help industry has gotten away with admonishing us to have a “positive attitude” and “think like a winner” without giving us any useful tools to help us do that. The recent academic inerest in positive psychology, blossoming in places like Dr. Martin Seligman’s Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, has changed all that by focusing on what could loosly be called the “happiness process.” One example of that change is Jeffrey Gitomer’s book The Little Golden Book of Yes! Attitude: How to Find, Build, and Keep a Yes! Attitude for a Lifetime of Success.

Jeffrey Gitomer is a successful author of the syndicated column,”Sales Moves,” and of best-selling sales process books The Sales Bible, The Little Black Book Of Connections, The Little Green Book of Getting Your Way, The Little Red Book of Selling, and The Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching. This series of books is branded with bright colors, smaller-than-average cloth bindings, stylish use of font colors and sizes (like Tom Peters’ recent books), and use of the “.5” list (“Take these 2.5 immediate actions” and “7.5 on-the-job things you can do to keep the focus”). It is filled with frenetic bursts of ideas and lists.  The books are a bit tough to read at times, especially when trying to find passages you’ve read, but they are perfect for web-trained readers accustomed to scannable, list-driven information.

In The Little Gold Book, Gitomer aims to create “a total awareness and game plan for you to understand, apply, become proficient at, and finally, master and maintain your attitude.”  “It took you years to screw up your attitude,” he writes. “Give yourself a few hours to read and discover why and how to fix it forever.”

Gitomer begins by saying, “You can’t gain a positive attitude by reading a book,” and then spends fifty or so pages explaining what being positive means and why it’s good for us followed by a 150-point attitude self-test — all “book” stuff. Given that a reader of this book is probably well aware of the value of optimism – she wouldn’t have bought it otherwise — the opening section seems to be filler intended to increase his concept to book length.  This may not concern all readers, however.  To be fair, I have read so many books like this on that when I read a new one, I’m much much more interested in the meat than the potatoes, and prefer to dive right into the main ideas.  When he does get to the main dish, however, he provides a filling, if not completely nutrituous, meal.

By and large, we’ve seen the information in The Little Gold Book before, but it isn’t totally unoriginal. Among his list are common approaches — “Decide you’re willing to go for it,” “Read books that will get you going at the start of the day,” and “Start each morning with some positive exposure, wisdom, or expressions” —- mixed with the unusual —- “Get rid of negative people in your life,”Ignore idiots and zealots,” “Turn off the TV,” and “Avoid the violence on TV and in the movies.” It’s these unusual suggestions that lift this book from the pile of all the other books.

Gitomer sees himself as “straight talker” and brings a tough-minded pragmatism to self-help, and this is the freshest part of The Little Yellow Book. While offering support, he’s very clear about just who is responsible for our problems: “It ain’t the rain, the snow, the boss, the competition, the spouse, the money, the car, job, or the kids – it’s you!” He doesn’t mince words with advice, either. His 10.5 Attitude Busters read like a slap in the face: “6. I don’t like where I live. Move” “7. I don’t like my spouse. Make peace. Remember why you got married in the first place. Renew vows. Or if all else fails, get a new one.” “2. I need more money than I have. Make more sales.” He refers to  those who make you feel stupid, inadequate as pukers who “puke on you” when they “share examples of failure, make fun of your dreams, or tear you down.” For them he shows no mercy: “The main reason people rain on my parade,” he says, “is because they have no parade of their own.” He’s clearly not touchy-feely.

Something unusual for this type of book is Gitomer’s attitude toward attitude. This is the first self-help book I’ve read that recognizes that half the world thinks that these ideas are hokey. Those of us have purchased a self-help book hoping not to run into anyone we know before getting it home can appreciate that. It’s hokey, he says, but so what?  It’s important and it works.  Let other people be hip; we’ll be succesful and happy. Gitomer also sees the process of maintaing an attitude as a life-long, daily exercise: “Decide it will take a year to set a new thought pattern. A year of positive isn’t too long, considering that you have had 30(more or less) negative ones.” He even suggests that it will take 25 years to finish the job.  We can’t just read a book or attend a seminar and expect to make significant changes. It is done day by day.

It has become common for selp-help authors to attract viewers to their web sites by promising additional web resources, and Gitomer is no different. Throughout his books are GitBits, bonus information available at hist web site. Here is a GitBit from The Little Gold Book: “Want to create an incredible atmosphere in your company?  To find out what a client of mine who employed one hundred people did, go to www.gitomer.com, register if you are a first-time user, and enter the word FRANCE in the GitBit box.”  Of course, you’ll have to register to get access to them, but it is worth it.  The rest of the site is a bit of a mixed bag.  He offers Sales Caffiene, a weekly e-mail newsletter, for free, but charges $1.50 each to read the articles on the site.  I’m not a supporter of pay-for-content when there’s so much available for free, but you can check it out and make your own choice.

So is The Little Gold Book of Yes! Attitude worth your time? Yes it is.  Gitomer’s “straight talk” is refreshing, and his belief that keeping our attitude up is a long term, every-day thing is good advice. Pick up a copy.

Make a great day.

Tip #28: Have Faith in Others’ Faith in You. September 16, 2008

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David plays music in local clubs. All his life people have told him how talented he is.  At a normal performance, he gets requests for his original songs, girls cry when the sad ones remind them of a recent breakup, and couples often ask him to perform favorite songs at their weddings. But while people are complimenting him, his inner voice is talking as well: “Didn’t they see that you missed a note on the solo? And what about the flubbed word in the second verse?” He always suspected that either they were lying to be kind or had tin ears. He wants to be a musician, but he doubts that he’ll go anywhere.

Janice dreams of being a photographer. She has had shows in local galleries, won awards, and has had photographs in magazines. Other photographers like her work and tell her so, but she still isn’t sure she has the goods.

Diane is looking for a new job. By all standards, she has had a good career, but she was recently laid off. She takes the layoff to be a cosmic assessment of her professional worth and has begun to find in her past reasons she wasn’t good enough to be kept on.  Despite the fact that everyone who knows her or looks at her resume is impressed, she finds it harder and harder to believe that she is worthy of a good job.

Does any of this sound familiar? Is there some part of your life in which you believe yourself to be deficient, yet for which you continue to recieve accolades? Many times we rate ourselves against the highest and most perfect, when those around us judge us on a more human level, one which may be more appropriate to our place in the process.  In other words, while we beat ourselves for what we aren’t, others love us for what we are.

Well, maybe it’s time we started to listen to them.

Sometimes you have to believe in somebody else’s belief in you until your own belief kicks in.
~ Les Brown

We all face times during which our faith in ourselves falters. These periods have something in common — a sense of crisis related to our personal key issues, like jobs, dreams, and love.  In other words, The Big Ones. When we doubt ourselves, we can’t give the effort, or project the confidence, necessary to truly go after whatever it is we want. We need to find some help. And you know what? Help is all around us in the form of the friends and family who support us. We can connect with their faith in us and use it as a crutch to get us through the tough times. Les Brown sums it up nicely: “Sometimes you have to believe in somebody else’s belief in you until your own belief kicks in.”

It seems so obvious, really. We all want people to believe in us, but when they do, we discount their faith: “Oh, she’s just saying that because she’s my friend,” or “That’s all very nice, but he doesn’t really understand.” The truth is that the people who believe in us aren’t idiots, nor do they have low standards. They just see us the way we’d see ourselves — if we didn’t have all that useless insecurity. Because they don’t see or feel our insecurity and self-doubt, they can only see our better selves.

Today, let’s pay attention to the people around us who believe in us. Let’s have faith in their faith in us and resolutely ignore the whiney voice of our smaller selves.  And while we’re at it, let’s thank them for their support by reflecting back to them their better selves. They’re worth it, and so are we.

Make a great day.

Put Some Living into Your Life August 5, 2008

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Architect Frank Lloyd Wright told how a lecture he received at the age of nine helped set his philosophy of life. An uncle, a stolid, no-nonsense type, had taken him for a long walk across a snow-covered field. At the far side, his uncle told him to look back at their two sets of tracks. “See, my boy,” he said, “how your footprints go aimlessly back and forth from those trees, to the cattle, back to the fence and then over there where you were throwing sticks? But notice how my path comes straight across, directly to my goal. You should never forget this lesson!”

“And I never did,” Wright said, grinning. “I determined right then not to miss most things in life, as my uncle had.

~ John Keasler

Oscar Wilde said, “Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.” So stop getting up at 6:05. Get up at 5:06. Walk a mile at dawn. Find a new way to drive to work. Study wildflowers. Read to the blind. Subscribe to an out-of-town paper. Canoe at midnight. Teach some kid the thing you do best. Listen to two hours of uninterrupted Mozart.
Leap out of that rut. Savor life. Remember, we pass this way only once.

~ United Technologies Corp. Message

When I did and my life passes before me, I’ll replay the tapes of many experiences I had during my life. I’ll remember the time I spent as a literacy volunteer for a Korean immigrant or hiking in New Mexico and the Grand Canyon. I’ll remember the impromptu solo tour given to me by the elderly caretaker of Exeter Cathedral one cold day when I wandered in alone. I’ll remember the time I kept a promising student from dropping out. I’ll remember the quiet stream hidden a few hundred yards behind a subdivision. I’ll remember taking a long, circuitous route across campus because it passed all the pretty spots. I’ll remember getting a plunger caught in a tree (don’t ask) with my daughter. I’ll remember finding out that thunder isn’t caused by two clouds bumping together. But I doubt that I’ll look back on that day I crossed tons of things off my to-do list.

We often confuse productivity with living. Of course, we need to be productive, but the truly amazing parts of our lives are the things that go on around us all the time — if we take the time to notice. Today’s quotes are a reminder that life is all around us in the smallest details of our daily lives. We often need to work deliberately to see them, and we do that by poking our head up out of our rut and seeing what life has to offer.

How about taking some time today to figure out what you’re missing? Get up early and watch the sun rise. Stay up late and count the stars. Volunteer some time to someone who needs that special something that you have to offer. Do anything differently; in fact, do everything differently: brush your teeth with your left hand, drink tea instead of coffee, draw a picture of the weed that’s in your lawn, or read a magazine about a topic you no nothing about (better yet, read a magazine about something you hate). Stop, look, and listen.

The point is this: get out there and bring some life into your life. Once you’ve done that, you can share what you’ve seen, heard, or learned. Maybe the person you tell will start to look, too. Then what do you have? A trend. And you’ve always wanted to be trend setter, right?

Make a great day.

How Many More People Do You Get To Bless? July 28, 2008

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…You were born to add something, add value to this world. To simply be something, bigger and better than you were yesterday… Every single thing you’ve been through, every single moment that you’ve come through, were to all prepare you for this moment right now. Imagine what you can do from this day forward with what you now know… How much more do you get to be? How many more people do you get to bless, simply by your mere existence? What will you do with the moment? How will you seize the moment? No one else can dance your dance, no one else can sing your song, no one else can write your story. Who you are, what you are, begins right now!

~ Lisa Nichols, from Chicken Soup for the African America Soul

What a great way to look at today or your whole life! “How many more people do you get to bless, simply by your mere existence?” I keep coming back to this: what a beautiful life we have here. Just because your home isn’t from Architectural Digest and your car isn’t from Robb Report doesn’t mean that you aren’t smack dab in the middle of something amazing. When you stop to think about it, this process of living and growing, failing and succeeding, being lonely and being loved is so amazing that no Ferrari could possibly match it. It’s a wild ride, but well worth the price of admission.

By the way, I lifted this quote from a website called Attitude and Longitude: Exploring Attitude and Inspiration with Angela Loeb. Angela treads some of the same ground we do. Take some time to check out her site.

Make a great day.

Tip #25: Write a Benefactors Journal June 27, 2008

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Lego PeopleWe’ve all been working our gratitude journals, right?

Now that you’ve been doing them for a while, is there anything that you’ve noticed? Rather than making you play 20 Questions, I’ll just tell you. It’s people. Most of those items are about people and what they’ve done for you.

Our attitudes are funny things. When we start to get down on ourselves, we not only stop seeing the good in lives (there’s plenty), but we often isolate ourselves, as well. We isolate by doing exactly the same thing we do with the other good things in our lives. We ignore them. We minimize them. We talk them away. Pretty soon we’re living in a hostile world that doesn’t care. (It sounds pretty pathetic when you say it that way doesn’t it?) Well, we’re going to change things. We’re going to add another tool to inoculate you against your own negativity.

Your assignment is to list the benefactors in your life. Who is a benefactor? A benefactor is anyone who has sent you the wish of love or the simple wish for you to be well and happy. Your list will be made up of the myriad folks who have cared for you in any way at any time, who supported you with either acts or wishes of kindness.

Like the gratitude journal, in which we note anything for which we could possibly be thankful, no matter how small, our journal — let’s call it a benefactors journal — is a place to note anyone who could have at any time in any way met the requirements. Think about your parents’ love and attention, the teacher who reached out and kept you in school, the girl at the coffee shop who always smiles at you and makes you feel welcome, the boss who tipped you off to the new opportunity, the friends who have you over for dinner, and so on. You are surrounded by folks who care about you.

Make your list of benefactors as long as you can. Actively look for instances in which someone shared love and respect for you. Like the items in your gratitude journal, the examples are everywhere — if you take the time to look. Don’t just look for the easy ones. Give everyone credit where it’s due. You’ll find that the most profound effects come from people on your list whom you think are least likely to be on the list. That guy who drives you nuts at work? Remember how last year he tipped you off that the VP was coming by and that you’d better look sharp? That is a benefactor, if only on that one occasion.

The benefactors journal. Try it for a couple of weeks. See if it doesn’t change the way you look at the people around you — and the way you look at yourself. Give it a try.

Make a great day.

Photo: Joe Shablotnik

This Isn’t What I Wanted, But It’s Not So Bad June 17, 2008

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We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
~E.M. Forster

One of the best trips I ever took was to Santa Fe with my daughter and my sister and her family. I was just coming out of the worst of the Dark Period, and I was in much need of a vacation. I hadn’t been to Santa Fe, one of my favorite places, in fourteen years, and I was looking forward to sharing it with my daughter. While making plans, I discovered that our trip would coincide with the peak viewing period for the Perseid meteor shower, during which one can see as many as 60 or more meteors per hour. Santa Fe, at about 7,000 feet and without much ambient light, is great for viewing celestial phenomena like the Perseids. It was going to be a great trip.

And it was. We enjoyed beautiful, sunny days visiting the museums and galleries around the plaza, hiking in the cool shade of the aspens near the ski valley, walking through history at El Rancho de las Golondrinas, and hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. But back at the house each evening, I would settle in — armed with astronomical charts, timetables, and other information — and expectantly await nature’s show, only to find myself staring at the pale gray of an overcast sky. Every day brought the same pattern: clear sunny days followed by completely overcast nights. In an entire week, I didn’t see a single meteor or even a star. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement.

When I got back home, friends asked about my trip. How did I tell my friends about that trip, that trip that was, in every way but one, one of the best trips I’ve ever taken? Why, by telling the story of the meteor shower, of course! I spent tons of personal energy thinking and talking about how disappointed I was. “It would have been great. “I had prepared myself with reading and charts…” “I don’t get up there that often…” Blah, Blah, Blah. I spent so much time thinking about that stupid meteor shower that I forgot how wonderful the rest of the trip was.

That wasn’t the first time for me. No, I had a long history of whining about things that didn’t meet my expectations. If I didn’t get exactly what I wanted, I became the biggest complainer ever. It didn’t matter how great things were going. When things weren’t what they were supposed to be, not only did I not like it, but I refused to like it. I was a pain to everyone around me, and I tainted all my experiences with negativity. My inflexibility made my life miserable. Since I had expected everything to meet my expectations, I was continuously disappointed by life.

What about you? Are you so preoccupied with how things were supposed to be that you’ve completely missed the great things that are? How boring our lives would be if we always got what we wanted, and how many great things have happened to us precisely because we didn’t get what we wanted? For example, you interview for a job, but are passed over. Bad. The hiring manager, however, sees something in you and creates another — better — position for you. Good. Or this: You are dragged to a party by friends only to meet the girl/guy of your dreams. It happens all the time. More realistically, you are dragged to that party by friends, don’t meet the girl/guy of your dreams, but have a pretty good time anyway.

You know what? Life can be pretty good if we let it be. This week, let’s let life be pretty good. Let’s stop thinking about what should be or should have been, and pay attention to all the great things that are? Okay?
Make a great day.

Walk Your Way to Happiness June 3, 2008

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I have long understood that I am crankier and more negative when I don’t get regular exercise.  In fact, during the Dark Period, one of my basic rules for holding myself together was to exercise and eat well.  As one who is committed to health and fitness for its own sake, it’s nice to find more and more evidence in support of what I’ve already experienced: exercise improves our state of mind.  Even better, it doesn’t take as much exercise as I thought.

RealAge, a health and wellness site who now sends me regular e-mails apparently because once I took an online test, reports:

In a recent study, a single 30-minute treadmill workout done at moderate intensity eased depression and increased energy levels.

Bravo! We know that a brisk 30-minute walk will do wonders for our hearts and waistlines, but now we also know that it’s good for our heads as well. Our lesson? It doesn’t take too much to vastly improve our lives. You don’t have to join a gym or a support group (although you could). You can Just take a short walk each day.

So lace up those tennies and get out there!

Make a great day.