Behold the Stars

5 Ways to Feed Your Happiness March 5, 2008

One evening, a Cherokee elder told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between the two ‘wolves’ that live inside us all. One is Unhappiness. It is fear, worry, anger, jealousy, sorrow, self-pity, resentment, and inferiority. The other is Happiness. It is joy, love, hope, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth, and compassion.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The Old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

In Happy for No Reason, by Marci Shimoff and Carol Kline

Whether or not you believe this is really a Cherokee story or can accept that the old Cherokee would speak in contemporary self-help terminology, this is still a pretty valid approach to mental health.

Whatever we focus on is heightened and magnified. If we focus (feed) on the negatives by whining, complaining, and criticizing ourselves and others, we wind up with a pretty bleak view of life. If, on the other hand, we focus (feed) on what’s going well, what’s beautiful, and what makes us happy, we wind up feeling pretty good. It’s the spiritual equivalent of the difference between living on burgers, fries, tacos and cokes versus living on fruits, vegetables, lean proteins and water. Or as programmers say, “Garbage in, garbage out.”

There are a number of things we can do to feed our happiness. Here are five:

1. Pay attention to what’s good around you. Make it a game. How many great things can you collect today? What is your best score? Give awards for the coolest, most unusual things you come across.
2. Think about others. Everyone else is in the same boat you are, struggling with hopes and disappointments. We all have bad days. Notice that as well. Is there a way that you could make somebody else’s day a little better? Could you bring fresh coffee to that cranky co-worker or pick up the kids tonight, even though it’s not your night? As J.M. Barrie said, “Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.”
3. Practice forgiveness. This one is tough. I hesitated to put it on the list because the process of forgiveness is much more difficult and complex than “practice forgiveness” implies. It does take practice. Forgiveness is an act of kindness toward yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the behavior or accepting the offender back into our lives; withholding forgiveness won’t give you power, it won’t keep you from getting hurt again, and it punishes no one but yourself. There’s an old saying about resentment that applies to equally to withholding forgiveness: “Resentment [or withholding forgiveness] is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die.”
4. Notice what things make you happy and do them more often. A no-brainer? Sure. When was the last time you played basketball, took a hike, knitted a scarf, saw a good movie, or took a road trip? Make a list of those things that make you feel good and build time for them into your schedule.
5. Dispute your negative thoughts. After all, they’re only thoughts. This is the bedrock of Cognitive Therapy, which suggests that we are unhappy because we have an unhealthy monologue going on in our head, most of which is irrational and untrue. Question your negatives. Ask, “Is this really true?” and, “How do I know this is true?” “If I were to see this as a positive, how would I see it?”
6. Outtalk your negativity. Barbara DeAngelis, in Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, encourages us to so overwhelm our negativity with positive input that it can’t get a word in.

Feed happiness; starve unhappiness. Write it down. Post it on your computer. Chant it like a mantra. Then live it like your life depends on it — because it does.

Make a great day.

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