5 Ways to Feed Your Happiness March 5, 2008
Posted by beholdthestars in Life & Living, Positive Thinking.Tags: Barbara DeAntelis, Carol Kline, Cherokee legend, Cognitive Therapy, Feal the Fear and Do It Anyway, forgiveness, gratitude, happiness, Marci Shimoff, Tips
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One evening, a Cherokee elder told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between the two ‘wolves’ that live inside us all. One is Unhappiness. It is fear, worry, anger, jealousy, sorrow, self-pity, resentment, and inferiority. The other is Happiness. It is joy, love, hope, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth, and compassion.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”
The Old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
In Happy for No Reason, by Marci Shimoff and Carol Kline
Whether or not you believe this is really a Cherokee story or can accept that the old Cherokee would speak in contemporary self-help terminology, this is still a pretty valid approach to mental health.
Whatever we focus on is heightened and magnified. If we focus (feed) on the negatives by whining, complaining, and criticizing ourselves and others, we wind up with a pretty bleak view of life. If, on the other hand, we focus (feed) on what’s going well, what’s beautiful, and what makes us happy, we wind up feeling pretty good. It’s the spiritual equivalent of the difference between living on burgers, fries, tacos and cokes versus living on fruits, vegetables, lean proteins and water. Or as programmers say, “Garbage in, garbage out.”
There are a number of things we can do to feed our happiness. Here are five:
- Pay attention to what’s good around you. Make it a game. How many great things can you collect today? What is your best score? Give awards for the coolest, most unusual things you come across.
- Think about others. Everyone else is in the same boat you are, struggling with hopes and disappointments. We all have bad days. Notice that as well. Is there a way that you could make somebody else’s day a little better? Could you bring fresh coffee to that cranky co-worker or pick up the kids tonight, even though it’s not your night? As J.M. Barrie said, “Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.”
- Practice forgiveness. This one is tough. I hesitated to put it on the list because the process of forgiveness is much more difficult and complex than “practice forgiveness” implies. It does take practice. Forgiveness is an act of kindness toward yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the behavior or accepting the offender back into our lives; withholding forgiveness won’t give you power, it won’t keep you from getting hurt again, and it punishes no one but yourself. There’s an old saying about resentment that applies to equally to withholding forgiveness: “Resentment [or withholding forgiveness] is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die.”
- Notice what things make you happy and do them more often. A no-brainer? Sure. When was the last time you played basketball, took a hike, knitted a scarf, saw a good movie, or took a road trip? Make a list of those things that make you feel good and build time for them into your schedule.
- Dispute your negative thoughts. After all, they’re only thoughts. This is the bedrock of Cognitive Therapy, which suggests that we are unhappy because we have an unhealthy monologue going on in our head, most of which is irrational and untrue. Question your negatives. Ask, “Is this really true?” and, “How do I know this is true?” “If I were to see this as a positive, how would I see it?”
- Outtalk your negativity. Barbara DeAngelis, in Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, encourages us to so overwhelm our negativity with positive input that it can’t get a word in.
Feed happiness; starve unhappiness. Write it down. Post it on your computer. Chant it like a mantra. Then live it like your life depends on it — because it does.
Make a great day.
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My 7 Rules for Living February 23, 2008
Posted by beholdthestars in Life & Living, Motivation, Positive Thinking.Tags: feeling good, fitness, forgiveness, happiness, optimism, rules for living, volunteering
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During my Dark Period, I was somehow smart enough to sit down and make a list of rules intended to keep me from completely falling off the edge. These came about when I asked myself, “Based on my experience, what are things I can do that always make me feel better about myself?” Two aspects of this were key: 1) “based on my experience,” and 2) “made me feel better about myself.” I wasn’t interested in what others thought would work, only what I knew from experience would work for me; and I wasn’t interested in what perked me up for a short period — like listening to Stevie Ray Vaughan cranked up loud — I was interested only in what made me feel better about myself.
I thought about it, made a list, and turned that list into what I called my “Rules for Living.” I wrote that list on a 3″x 5″ card and carried it in my back pocket for about four years. Oh, and I tried very hard to put it into practice, to varying degrees of success.
The list is very simple — nothing you haven’t seen before. But like so many bits of advice, these are easy to look at and say, “Of course, that’s so obvious…,” than to actually do. But they were well worth the effort. I give them to you here because I realize that not only can they help keep you from dropping off the world, but they are a pretty good way to make a normal life better.
Here are my seven rules, with some comments:
- You can forgive anything — and you must. This is the hardest one on the list. You must not only forgive those who have harmed you, but more importantly, you must learn to forgive yourself.
- Take care of your appearance. Bathe, shave, wear clean clothes each day. When you’re down, it’s easy to lose respect for all aspects of yourself. Dressing in sweats and t-shirts won’t make you feel better, and it won’t encourage people to treat you better, either. Dress like you have respect for yourself. It sounds superficial, but it works.
- Stay social. Many of us isolate ourselves when we’re down, but isolation only makes things worse. Get out and see all those people who like you.
- Remember others. Volunteer. There is someone somewhere who needs what you have to offer. You may not believe it, but you have a lot to offer.
- Stay fit. Not only will you be healthier and more energetic, you’ll feel much better about yourself.
- Eat well. I don’t mean Coq au vin with a nice Pouilly-Fuissé. I mean… well, you know what I mean.
- Stay spiritual. You get to define this any way you see fit. My thoughts are irrelavant here. Only yours count.
As you see, the list provides only general guidelines, so each day I would set specific tasks related to each item. For example, three days a week I went to the gym, three days I ran in my neighborhood, and some days I did specific forgiveness exercises. (Workouts of all kinds, I guess.) Anyway, it helped me through some tough years, and it helped through some good years. Maybe it’ll work for you.
Make a great day.
Tip #1: Write a Gratitude Journal January 10, 2008
Posted by beholdthestars in Tips.Tags: forgiveness, gratitude, gratitude journal, happiness, how to, journal, thanks
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How many times have you heard this suggestion? And how hokey does it sound? Pretty hokey, I agree. But a gratitude journal is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Period. We spend most of our lives reaching, fighting, dreaming, hoping, working, fixing, and complaining, but beneath all that, and almost invisible, is the fact that we have pretty good lives. If you are sitting in front of your own computer with an internet connection (high speed?), coffee and a cookie next to you, a decent education, and the free time to read blogs and ponder your life, you have it much better than probably 90% of the world. But you’ve heard all that before. What else? What about that guy who helped you get your job? Or the time you were late and made all the lights? Or that you had the discipline to get through school. Or that you had access to school loans. That you own your own home. That your kids are beautiful and healthy. That your marriage has held up. Your car still runs. You could afford to go to Disneyworld this year. The list goes on and on. You, however, have to pay attention and generate the list.
Here’s how you do it:
- Get a pen and paper
- List everything you could possibly, in your most positive moments, be grateful for. I shoot for two pages.
- Do this every day. If times are bad, do this twice a day: once upon arising and once before bed.
- Try to come up with new items as much as possible. Dig deep. If you get stuck, find things to be grateful for in the past, e.g., what did you have to be grateful for in junior high, in college, during your first job, etc. Make a game of it.
What you do with the list is your business. Some people get fancy notebooks and keep their lists to review when they need to. I write them in a spiral notebook, tear out the pages when I’m finished, and throw them away. For me, it’s about the act, not the document.
I’m pretty sold on this one. For me the results were amazing change in my state of mind. Try it yourself.
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