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Tip #30: Be a Buddy September 28, 2008

Posted by beholdthestars in Life & Living, Tips.
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On the first day of Boy Scout camp, each of us was asked to jump into the icy water of a lake near Oregon’s Mt. Hood and follow a few simple commands: “Float on your back for one minute,” “Tread water, or “Swim to the end of the dock.” Our swimming proficiency was graded, and we were each given a color-coded, disk-shaped “buddy tag.”  The tag’s color told us which swimming area, organized by depth, we were allowed to use.

The buddy tag, though, was used for more than access to deeper water. The tag, when combined with another tag – that of a “buddy” – allowed us to be in in the water in the first place. We were not allowed to swim without someone swimming with us who could, presumably, save us from drowning. Periodically the lifeguards would blow a whistle, and we would be required to meet our buddy,  join hands,  and raise them over our heads for the count. Buddies.

Time moved on, and we grew up and away from Boy Scout camp and its structured and formal security partnerships. By the time we became adults, most of us had created our own network of friends and acquaintances whom we lean on in tough times. They serve the same purpose as the “buddies” from Boy Scout camp – i.e., keep us from drowning – but act as coaches as well, encouraging us to become better swimmers. On some days they act as Father Confessors who listen to our stories, admonish us to do better, and forgive us for our current list of sins — lust, sloth, greed, envy… well, you know.

Study after study shows us the beneficial effects of having people in our lives. Relationships improve not only mental health, but our physical health as well. In fact, good relationships may rival proper nutrition and exercise in their positive impact on the body. Conversely, isolation and loneliness raise levels of circulating stress hormones and blood pressure, decrease quality of sleep, and increase the risk of depression and suicide. This is nothing new, really. This information fills every lifestyle magazine from Oprah to Self to Men’s Fitness to Psychology Today to…

Okay. You’ve seen the articles. I don’t need to tell you the value of human contact. At this point, I could encourage you to develop some great relationships because it would help you to live a longer, healthier life. But I won’t. That’s a no-brainer. Instead, I’m going to encourage you to think about the quality of somebody else’s life.  Is there someone in your circle who could use a buddy? What about that quiet, mousey girl in the cubicle on the end who eats lunch alone and who never goes to happy hour? It might just be that your eating lunch with her is just contact she needs to bring her out of her shell. You know, shy people are often too insecure to make the first contact, but when contacted, open up and blossom right before your eyes. Maybe you can be the nutrient that does it.

So why don’t we try this week to reach out to others around us. Let’s take a risk and be a buddy to someone. Let the light of our attention shine on someone who needs it this week.  You can’t always have a buddy. Life isn’t always that easy. But you can be one.

Make a great day.

Tip #28: Have Faith in Others’ Faith in You. September 16, 2008

Posted by beholdthestars in Life & Living, Positive Thinking, Tips.
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David plays music in local clubs. All his life people have told him how talented he is.  At a normal performance, he gets requests for his original songs, girls cry when the sad ones remind them of a recent breakup, and couples often ask him to perform favorite songs at their weddings. But while people are complimenting him, his inner voice is talking as well: “Didn’t they see that you missed a note on the solo? And what about the flubbed word in the second verse?” He always suspected that either they were lying to be kind or had tin ears. He wants to be a musician, but he doubts that he’ll go anywhere.

Janice dreams of being a photographer. She has had shows in local galleries, won awards, and has had photographs in magazines. Other photographers like her work and tell her so, but she still isn’t sure she has the goods.

Diane is looking for a new job. By all standards, she has had a good career, but she was recently laid off. She takes the layoff to be a cosmic assessment of her professional worth and has begun to find in her past reasons she wasn’t good enough to be kept on.  Despite the fact that everyone who knows her or looks at her resume is impressed, she finds it harder and harder to believe that she is worthy of a good job.

Does any of this sound familiar? Is there some part of your life in which you believe yourself to be deficient, yet for which you continue to recieve accolades? Many times we rate ourselves against the highest and most perfect, when those around us judge us on a more human level, one which may be more appropriate to our place in the process.  In other words, while we beat ourselves for what we aren’t, others love us for what we are.

Well, maybe it’s time we started to listen to them.

Sometimes you have to believe in somebody else’s belief in you until your own belief kicks in.
~ Les Brown

We all face times during which our faith in ourselves falters. These periods have something in common — a sense of crisis related to our personal key issues, like jobs, dreams, and love.  In other words, The Big Ones. When we doubt ourselves, we can’t give the effort, or project the confidence, necessary to truly go after whatever it is we want. We need to find some help. And you know what? Help is all around us in the form of the friends and family who support us. We can connect with their faith in us and use it as a crutch to get us through the tough times. Les Brown sums it up nicely: “Sometimes you have to believe in somebody else’s belief in you until your own belief kicks in.”

It seems so obvious, really. We all want people to believe in us, but when they do, we discount their faith: “Oh, she’s just saying that because she’s my friend,” or “That’s all very nice, but he doesn’t really understand.” The truth is that the people who believe in us aren’t idiots, nor do they have low standards. They just see us the way we’d see ourselves — if we didn’t have all that useless insecurity. Because they don’t see or feel our insecurity and self-doubt, they can only see our better selves.

Today, let’s pay attention to the people around us who believe in us. Let’s have faith in their faith in us and resolutely ignore the whiney voice of our smaller selves.  And while we’re at it, let’s thank them for their support by reflecting back to them their better selves. They’re worth it, and so are we.

Make a great day.